Like a Woman Like a Man

नमस्ते, all.
I've just recently returned from my 6am yoga certification course. Yes, I am waking up at 6am 6 days a week this whole semester. Can you believe it? The good thing, though, is that a lot of other people are doing it too, so we'll all be getting up and walking to class together. That's an encourager. Thus, not a lot of super late nights for me, but it's really kinda hard to stay out late here--we've gotta rely on publish transpo and it isn't safe to take to late at night. In fact, much in India isn't "safe" to do pretty much EVER. Speaking of, that leads me to a discussion about GENDER in Indian society. So yes, we all knew that gender culture in India is really uniquely different from what we're used to in the States, but I had no idea that I would feel the weight of this issue as heavily, as much as I'm feeling now. My gender restricts and determines EVERYTHING I DO in India. It determines how I interact and relate to each and every person, regardless of their sex, the freedoms I have and don't have, and ultimately, how I feel about myself (which is..dangerous?). I am not supposed to make eye contact with people, as it is understood as a suggestion of 'something more that just a friendly interaction'. I absolutely can not travel alone, and preferably not in a group without a male. I can't really go out late at night. I must dress very conservatively and cover my body. I really can not interact with males at all, because 'you never know what their intentions are' and 'friendliness may be construed as something more'. So basically I can make no male friends, and the females are SO reserved that in public spaces they are really turtle-like (in their shell), and don't freely interact with people in an open and friendly way. This is frustrating. Yes, I understand that these gender roles are not necessarily better or worse (that is not my argument; that's another issue) that in the States, but that you have no idea how much if effects a person...Scratch that: a WOMAN. The guys in our group have friends. They can talk to males freely and whenever they want, and I just "watch on" (because i can't really watch, because that's too much eye contact and displayed interest) and be sad that I can't make Indian friends). It's frustrating because males are allowed to be more social and open than women, so males seem to be easier to make friends with, but we are told that it is not a good idea for girls to get really friendly with males. I think the program is making us more paranoid than is necessary. But I could of course be wrong. Anyhow, and regardless, it is important that I am EXTREMELY effected by the gender culture here. I am frustrated socially, and most dramatically, I feel shitty. Shitty, almost, about myself. Being in my own skin. My skin, my feminineness feels poisonous. I've never felt that before. I've really never felt "discrimination". It's a totally different way of understanding that concept, because now I understand it. I am reading a book right now that has an element about blackness, and last night i read a part about the book that this black writer in the book is writing (meta-texto [shout out to span 363], a discussion of a text within a text), about his painful life as a discriminated minority. My experience of those 3 pages was surely different than it would have been 2 weeks ago. Wow.
Having nearly all of your freedoms taken away from you because you are a woman is astounding. We are used to SO MUCH freedom in the States. I didn't realize. and I guess I didn't realize how important and essential to me it was. I almost don't know who I am without it. Do I lose my identity?
How will I adjust to this, deal with this, is the challenge? I understand that what frustrates me is the cultural shock of a radically different gender culture, but I do not want to feel so frustrated and icky (about myself) the whole time I am here. I don't want to follow the restrictive social rules, but inside constantly be cursing patriarchy, be fucking pissed and fiery. It's not healthy and it's not a good way to feel. Conversely, I do not want to assimilate and internalize this patriarchal culture to the point where I accept it and am thus comfortable functioning as a pawn in this game. How do I fit in between? How do I respect a foreign culture, stay safe, but maintain my beliefs, self-worth, dignity, my spark?

Also, there are issues of my feeling like I'll never feel like I'm out of the role of 'tourist'. And I mean tourist not in the sense of how other people perceive me, but how I perceive myself.

Ademas, I'm different from most of the kids on the program. I play the Indian-American role. So people think I'm Indian, but I'm surrounded by these white kids. Or I'm walking around campus by myself and people think I'm and Indian student and so pass me by without a second glance. I don't stand out. But I'm not really Indian. I'm in between groups and worlds more than anyone else here is. Maybe this unique position will give me a really cool, unique experience. Or maybe it will prove really difficult. Didn't think about this beforehand.

Issues about 'intellectualisim', western ideas of 'academics' and how india is under its spell, stuffy , annoying intellectuals telling us what to do who value only western ideas of 'academia', statistics, awards, things taht don't really matter and the things that do they don't seem to be able to appreciate or understand anymore. There is still (i sense) a huge detachment from subject and student in the Indian education system. I guess I was hoping for a change in this area. How the fuck and I supposed to learn about Buddhism by reading books? This disregarded and sometimes invisible space between subject and knower/student/intellectual/etc has always frustrated be about academics. Maybe it is intellectualism's defense mechanism...distancing yourself so that you can KNOW. So that you can objectify, evalutate, 'other' (as a verb) anything for detached scrutiny and knowing. We'll see if any of my teachers overcome this; I haven't really started classes yet so there's still hope.
Looking forward to lots of historical sites. This kind of experience you can't get in the US. Our history is young.

Oh, you want to know what I've been doing? Well I've taken many a ride in an auto rickshaw, which is somewhere between riding in a taxi and a rollercoaster. The experience of nevigating through the CRAZY, no-law traffic, racingracingracing to the finish line is much like a sperm racing, through the woman's reproductive system, towards the egg. Sometimes the egg is Banjara Hills, sometimes it is Koti. Other times Shilparamam or Hi-Tech City.
We're still doing pretty boring orientation stuff. Yesterday at the Police Station for police registration we saw a prisoner with a black cloth bag over his head. I haven't felt so disturbed in years. eons.
Went to a hookah bar the other night. The hookah tasted different here. Less,...ummm.....thick...the smoke. The flavours are pointed but light. Smoke ring blowing is harder, cuz the smoke flows differently.
We played our homemade version of Pictionary last night and it was really fun. The highlight was when I drew "Foucault" and Matt guessed it! Or maybe when the other group's drawer picked the phrase "bump and grind" and had to draw it. The best part was the things people were shouting out. Yeah. Also, important to note, everyone had really smelly feet.

Well, breakfast is ready, so we'll chat soon. Feel free to send me emails or Fbook messages if wanna. I'm pretty free as of now, classes not having started and all, and I'll be able to get back to you. That is, at least for now.

Love you all.
Keep warm.
Use Mouthwash.
Dance Dandy.